These days feel very long, and also so very short. Most of the time I feel like I'm trying to catch my breath, both figuratively and literally. Is Vivienne's new school a good choice? Why has she been sick lately? When will she start to feel better? Are we doing enough during our days together? Am I being a good enough mother? How will she react to the new baby once she's here? How will I react to the new baby once she's here? How can I fit another child into my life? It goes on and on, as I lay awake at night trying to make sense of all the changes that lie ahead.
I'm not the best at handling change. I've always really craved change, but then when it's about to happen I get incredibly overwhelmed and scared. I feel so conflicted about the future. I'm sad that Vivi and I are ending our four year stretch of just the two of us. I feel incredibly lucky to have had this much alone time with such a wonderful little gift of a girl. I miss her so much when I think of how my time will be divided in just a couple of short weeks. I want to bottle up her smell and the way she looks and everything about her right now, before it all changes and she's a "big sister". Before she's not the only one. I'm honored to be having another baby. I'm scared to death of having another baby. I like the way things are now, just the three of us. We make a great threesome. I can't wait for Vivienne to have a little sister, and to know that relationship for the rest of her life. I can't wait to hold another baby in my arms, and to become a mommy again. I want this baby girl out of my achy body right now -- and I'm also terrified about the labor I know I'm in store for.
Conflicted is the best way to describe my place in life right now. And yet, there's this peacefulness I've never felt before that washes over me when I think of adding another little being into our love bubble. I know I'm not the first mommy to ever feel this way, and I certainly won't be the last. What's more, I know that in a years time these feelings will be nothing but a blip in my memory. Life as I know it will be long gone, replaced with a new way of being. One that I surely won't be able to imagine my life without. And yet, here I sit anxiously wondering how it's all going to work out.
I've never been a huge Thanksgiving person. I like the holiday enough I guess, but this year, in the midst of all that's going on, I want to take the time to be thankful for what I have. For the time that I've been able to spend with Vivienne. For a healthy family. For a brand new baby on the way. My life is full, maybe not worry free, but full. And I wouldn't want it any other way.