Waiting for Momma to give blood (a weekly chore now, sigh)
self-portrait by Viv
Here's my little buddy, tagging along while I do the mundane stuff. I quite like the self-portrait of her leg! She's rapidly approaching 2 YEARS OLD, which she tells everyone, and Mommy has mixed feelings. Just look at this little cutie!
Viv has been very into reading lately. She will read in her red chair in the morning for at least an hour. By reading, I mean babbling as if she is reading and saying a few words that she knows are in the page. It's adorable. I look at her and see a teenager lately. I've been doing a lot of keeping myself busy, (and resting), and trying to do a lot without doing too much, if that makes ANY sense. Mitch started school again after nine months off, and it's hitting Vivi a little hard. This week was emotional for her and there was a lot of crying and calling strangers "Daddy!" in every store we went in. It is definitely a transition, and she's a little fragile. Needless to say, we're in some trying times.
There will be a Superhero birthday party this weekend coming up, and I'm excited. It's the first birthday where V is really aware of being "two" as she says with her little fingers up. I just can't wait really, to celebrate this little life that grew inside me over two years ago, and to honor her and what she's become in just two short years. Life with her really is magnificent...
Thank you to everyone who has been asking after how things went with me last Monday. The surgery happened with no complication, and a Molar pregnancy was diagnosed. I'm fine, Mitch is fine, Viv is great! On to the arduous task of moving on, which is proving to be a little trickier than I expected. Damn emotions...
It's a good thing our house is overflowing with love.
So last week I went to my OB to have an ultrasound for a pregnancy in it's 10th week. There was no heartbeat. The gestational sac was only measuring at 6.5 weeks, and looking a bit abnormal. The fetus was a tiny little thing. Mitch and Vivienne were both there, excited to see the fluttering of a new heart. My doctor thought I should go home, and let nature take it's course, after a battery of blood tests. Of course, she was "very sorry".
After one day at home, I decided it was much too painful to be carrying around a dead fetus (not to mention the paralyzing morning sickness I was/am still having). Waiting was not an option. When speaking to my doctor that day on the phone, she gave me more news that my HCG levels were off the charts (a very high number) and that is why I am so sick. Also, she believes it to be a Molar pregnancy. This was not good news. The best decided course of action is to have a procedure to remove everything, and then have some pathology done to decide if it is indeed a molar (the only way to actually diagnose is to examine the pathology of the fetal tissue). My OB has prepared me that it is most likely this case, and if so -- no trying to conceive for one year. I'll be monitored every week for months, to make sure my blood hcg levels are going down. It's complicated, this whole molar thing. It's pretty rare apparently, and completely random. It happens at conception.
So there we are. No baby. Tomorrow I will go in to have the operation, and then it will be over. At least physically. As for Mitch and I, we are all over the board with emotions. Devastation, shock, lost, twilight zone, are just some of them. I cried for one whole day, and then I was ready to move on. Now I'm feeling very sad, very empty. Mostly, I'm still in shock. What does this mean for our family? What implications does this have for me in the future? It hasn't really sunk in yet, and we are trying to go forward with lots of thankfulness and amazement at our perfect little girl. So much can go wrong, and so much did not with her. I'll be fine, I know I will. But for now, I wanted to put this out there for fear that if I don't, it will be like it never happened. Life goes on.
I'll probably post more about this tomorrow after the surgery, very briefly, just to say that things went fine. After that, I don't want to say much more on the subject, except that I'll be spending my time healing and finding comfort in Vivienne and her huge smile.
Thanks, family and friends who have given me support and kind words. It helps more than you know.
It's been quiet around Team Dub lately (the blog NOT the life), and I wanted to write today to let you know that it has been intentional on my part. I have not forgotten about this little corner, nor have I had any less exciting life opportunities to write about. I've just been feeling like sometimes there seems to be a lot of living your life and doing your business and going about your day -- all so that you can write about it or post pictures of it later that day (or worse, that very moment). It feels a little tiring and less than sincere when I'm browsing the same blogs and websites day after day, and it seems a single moment can't be lived without letting half the world know about it. As if it matters. As if living the moment isn't enough and we need witnesses. These are the things that have been weighing heavy on my mind and I've needed a break from all of it. I always feel torn because there has been a lot going on that I want to write about, so that we (my family and I, Vivienne in particular) can look back and remember and even laugh a little (or cry?). Plus, I'm horrible at any sort of physical baby book or scrapbook or anything of that vein. Writing has always been an outlet for me and if it can inspire someone else, that's what makes me keep doing it.
What I DON'T want to happen is have this post be interpreted as me saying I'm done blogging. I know that's not the case. And I'm certainly not judging anyone else for doing the same. I just miss reading a book in my spare time and doing things with my hands and being creative. It is amazing what I've thought about and dreamed up just taking these last few weeks or so to be unplugged from the blogosphere. It almost felt wrong at first to be so unattached from what everyone else has been doing until I realized I am much happier just living my moments for me. There's so much we miss when being so focused on documentation (or dare I say it, the latest style).
So that's it. Just me putting my feelings out there about where I'm at right now. It will change I'm sure, and I do love and get inspired by all of the positive energy I've found out there on the internet. For now I'm taking the time to just spend with my family without worrying whether or not I got a good photo of the moment -- you know, one that truly captured how we felt.