LETTER TO VIVIENNE: MONTH 60.

Dear Vivienne,

Last month you turned five years old, something I never imagined happening when you were first born.  I come back to that memory of you often, your little pink face staring into mine with big, open eyes, as they placed you on my exhausted chest.  You were making little noises as you took your first breaths, and we met each other for the first time.  I cannot believe you have been in our lives for five years.  Or has it only been that long?  Your birthday also happened to land on your first day of Kindergarten which made everything extra special, (or extra emotional - whichever way you're willing to look at it).

You are almost completely self sufficient now, Viv.  You get up in the morning and brush your own teeth, get yourself dressed, and pretty much anything else I'm willing to let you do.  I'll admit I still want to help you with everything, and I'm trying to let go more, let you have the autonomy that comes with being a five year old.  You are literally the best big sister I could ever have imagined for Olive.  You do everything with her in mind.  If she cries, you are right there to investigate the problem.  You want to hold her and kiss her first thing every morning.  You've come up with countless nicknames for her, you follow her around while she crawls pretending to chase her, you let her take most any toy she wants - even if it's directly out of your hand.  Your dad and I both high five each other all the time at what an amazing big sister you've become.  It's really been a joy to watch the two of you fall in love.

Since the arrival of your sister last Christmas, your father and I have been making an extra effort to really savor the moments with you like never before.  I remember when you turned one and clapped through your entire party at all the guests.  I remember the way you would say "nilch" for "milk" and the way your little hugs felt whenever we would say "give love".   Sometimes I take a deep breath into your cozy blanket just to smell you, and it's as if I've just stepped back in time.  As soon as you learned to walk all you wanted to do was run everywhere.  You still do.  We have several talks about what it means to be a "grown up".  You've always been an old soul in a tiny body, but lately you are obsessed with what it will be like when you are a teenager or when daddy and I are older.  Sometimes these things cause you anxiety, to which I can only say that everything will be ok, and that you have a  long, long time until you are completely grown.  This seems to do the trick.  You still believe that I hold all the answers to life, which is both amazing and humbling.

Kindergarten has been a huge deal for all of us, and your dad and I were so nervous about this transition for you, given we just moved from the city.  Besides a few tummy aches and a couple of really hard homesick moments, you have handled everything beautifully.  Can we just talk about school for a moment?  SCHOOL.  I never really considered that I was going to have to live through school all over again with you.  But here I am getting up early with you, making sure you're there on time, worrying about whether or not you're meeting your challenges and if you're drinking enough water, and preemptively throwing up at the thought of the exams in the years to come.

One fantastic thing about Kindergarten is that it has given you an immediate community, and the friends you've already made have given you such a sense of confidence and pride that it's inspiring to watch.  You are thriving with a whole new set of rules and people and a set of principles that are outside of our home.  I love watching you navigate life and all the circumstances that come up with your new found realities.  You are an amazing kid, Vivienne.  You need to know this.  Your heart is immensely big, and you feel things to the fullest.  Maybe it's because you're a lot like me, but I know these feelings can sometimes be overwhelming for you.  I watch you try to make sense of them all, in a world where sometimes it feels as though it would be easier to feel less.  Trust me when I say they are a gift.  I will always try to answer your questions in the most honest way I can, and know that I think your mind is absolutely beautiful.  You are beautiful.

Since we still live at Grandma's our commute to school is extra long.  I thought this was going to be such a challenging imposition, but it's actually turned out to be one of my most cherished moments of the day.  We have an uninterrupted hour to do nothing but talk.  This is your favorite thing.  We talk about life, big and small.  Today we talked about Halloween and poop.  Yesterday it was your friend Jude that we talked about, and why boys seem to act differently than the girls at school.  A few days ago you were telling me that you couldn't wait to be a teenager, because "teenagers can drive".  We then proceeded to talk about how when you learn to drive you will most likely drive me around.  I made a big deal about this and told you I was very excited for that day.  We talked about how one day you'll be driving on your own.  Your demeanor changed at this thought, you looked up at me very seriously and said to me in the sweetest, serious voice, "but mommy, I don't want to be on my own...I could get lost in this big world, you know!..."  You will never know how my heart felt in that moment, Vivi.  Let me tell you now that I will never let you get lost.

You have changed so much since that late evening that you joined us in September of 2009.  I imagine I won't ever stop feeling like I have a portion of my brain that will always be dedicated to you, won't ever stop wondering where you are and what you are doing, won't be able to escape the constant, nagging hope that you are happy and fulfilled.  My heart always feels like it's beating on the outside of my chest, thanks to you.  I can't thank you enough for the dimension that this has added to what it means to be alive.

I adore you.  Keep growing strong, and know that I'm right here with you, always.

Love, Mama

MOMENTS NOT TO FORGET.

OLIVE, MONTHS 6-8.

Dear sweet Olive Bird,

The last few months have been the craziest of transitions, with moving from San Francisco and getting settled in Sacramento.  But amidst all of this you are just completely delectable my babe.  People have a hard time resisting you with your toothy little smile, and your sparkly little eyes.  You're crawling and pulling yourself up.  You're saying "dada" and "dog" and some others we're not completely sure about.  You want to do everything your sister does, and she is still quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to you.  You've always been very curious and very observant, and I love watching your little mind work.  We have a few more weeks until we move into our home, and your sister just started Kindergarten, and I actually can't wait until things settle down and I have some time to take a few deep breaths with you - just you and I.

I love being with you and getting to know you. You are strong willed, but oh so sweet.  You are the cuddliest.  You point and reach for things you want, and you refuse baby food, but love everything that the adults are eating.  You're still my mama's girl.  I am completely smitten with you, my love.  You make everything complete.

Keep growing and getting stronger.  I'll be here watching and cheering!

Love,
Mama

CATS

Viv saw the theater production of Cats awhile back and has since been acting it out every chance she gets.  She rotates characters and puts on performances all. the. time.  I'm not much of a Cats person, but her love of it has made me reconsider.  We actually have delved into the meaning a bit, and we've looked at every YouTube video of Memories that ever existed.  This kid is an actor, and we're going to jump into it when we move to Sacramento.  Now we just need to show her a different play for some variety!

x
A.

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

Olive has truly tripled in size and personality, since this first week of her life.  We've been growing and expanding around here.  Despite all the buzz and chaos of moving, these two have entwined themselves together like an old, familiar quilt.  Watching the two of them become sisters has been nothing short of magical.  It's the single most surprising thing about my motherhood journey so far.  I had no idea how much they would love each other.  While I'm sure the whining and bickering will one day creep in a bit, I'm so ready to witness this journey they're on.  

Here's to sisterhood.

x

A. 

OLIVE, MONTH 4.

My little Olive Bird,

You're four months old!  And 16 pounds!  And every bit of you is delicious.  We have been in the middle of some serious life changing times, and sometimes life feels so chaotic and scary that I'm afraid I will miss your tiny little moments.  But then I'm reminded that I am so lucky to get to be home with you - that it's my privilege to do the everyday with you.  I may not be writing down your every giggle, but I can promise you that I am witnessing you grow every day, and I am loving you through every bit of the process.  You have fit into our family like the perfect piece.  You've been coming into your own, and getting a bit of a routine - and every day around 4:30 you wait for your daddy's chest to lay on for an afternoon nap.  You laugh, and you are trying to roll over.  You're super content, a happy baby, who is taking everything in with a quiet confidence.  You've discovered your voice in a big way this month, and have been experimenting with all the different octaves.  It's quite hilarious.  You are still a complete and total Mama's girl, and I soak up every minute of it.

The moments you have with your sister are so precious, and hilarious!  Daddy and I often joke that we don't even need outside entertainment anymore, we can watch your sister perform death defying acts just to see you giggle "one last time".  No one makes you laugh like she does.  She adores you Olive, and has taken to calling you "Booshka-Toot".  It kinda stuck (sorry about that).

The other day I was feeling down and overwhelmed due to the reality that I don't have the time to give to you that I had with your sister.  I felt panicked that I was missing something, or that you weren't getting all that you deserved.  But then your sister came out of her room and walked over to you and said  (in her sing-song voice that always makes you smile), "HI OLIVE!  Let Sissy hold you!  Hi Booshka-Toot!  Vivi loves YOU!"  And you lit up in a way I could never make you light up.  I felt so content I couldn't even speak.  It dawned on me right there that you don't have everything she had.  You have more.  You have her.  And that is the best gift we could ever give you.

We adore you our sweet Olive Jane.  Keep growing strong.

Love,
Mama

MOMENTS CAUGHT ON INSTAGRAM.

This little girl has grown up so much.

Sisters. 

Baby O, as we've taken to calling her.

Olive putting up with my (dirty) mirror shots. 

She's been learning to swim.

Donkey. 

Car sick trooper.

I shamelessly match them, any chance I get.

Mother and daughter photographers.

Pimple disguise.

Speaks for itself.

V doing what she does best - tinkering and crafting the morning away.

Setting up an animal school.

Looking back on these moments is always bittersweet.  I love these two so much.  They really are my whole life (quite literally these days) and I wouldn't change it for a second.  I know I'll look back one day and miss this manic period of my life.  (I'm not there right now, but I'm told I will be.)  Things are hard most of the time right now.  (And tiring, and stressful, and scary, and utterly beautiful.)  BUT, these two are mine, and right along side all the other stuff -- I walk around feeling so damn lucky every single time I look at my children.  

OLIVE, MONTH 2.

Dear Olive Bird,

We've had you two whole months now, and you are quite simply irresistible.  You smile with your eyes - as evidenced in the picture above - and it's rare when you're not smiling.  At the doctor appointment this month you had 6 vaccinations which broke Mommy's heart.  Mostly because right before they pricked you (three times) you looked up at me and gave me the sweetest little grin with your whole face.  It crushed me to watch your little face turn purple with rage.  You weigh 12 pounds, the same as your sister at this age.  You are incredibly strong!  You've been lifting your little neck since day one, but the doctor thinks you're almost ready to roll over.  You sleep on your tummy, and you love music.

It's been quite a ride these last few months.  I told myself before you were born that I would try my best not to compare you to your sister, and I think I've done that for the most part.  It's hard not to see the similarities, and even the differences, in the two of you so far.  You're so tiny, little bird.  You have so much growth ahead of you and I find myself almost sad about every milestone, knowing it brings you closer to getting bigger.  You are super happy and healthy and that is ALL I wanted for you when I was still growing you.

You adore your sister.  It's only been 9 weeks and the bond already seems so strong.  If she is anywhere near you, a huge smile spreads across your face.  She can make you light up just by being near.  It's pretty incredible to dream about what your relationship will become.  She adores you as well, and is pretty used to you now.  She took the transition of you pretty well, and she wants to be involved in every little care taking step.  Above all though, you are a mommy's girl.  You are most settled and content when you are with me, and I am completely fine with this baby.  Smitten may be more accurate.  It's something I didn't anticipate, (your sister was a daddy's girl as well) and I love it.

All that worrying before you were born about how I would be able to love someone else the way I love your sister, and here I am - two months in - and I couldn't fathom life any other way.  It's an incredible thing being the mother of two daughters, and something I'm only beginning to understand the meaning of.  I just want you to know you are dreamy, and you are loved.  People who meet you call you "content" and it's true, you seem content with your tiny body.  A calm, peaceful little bird.

Vivienne will always be the one who made me a mother.  You are the one who made me realize my confidence as a mother.  I adore you, Olive Jane.  Grow strong.

Love,
Mama

THE NUTCRACKER.

Two weeks after Olive was born, I took Vivienne on a date to the Nutcracker.  It's something we do every year, and I wasn't going to miss this year!  It was nice to spend the afternoon together, finding each other again.  We went to a nice restaurant and then met some little friends for the ballet.  Someday soon I'll take both girls.  It's one of my favorite things about Christmas.

Enjoy.