Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Letting Go, Part 1

This entry has taken me two weeks to write. Mainly because I've been busy as a new mom of a 12-week old, but also because it's overwhelming every time I try to think about "letting go" of my newborn baby and what that means at this stage of her life. I'm also calling this Part 1, because I know that there will be many many "letting go" entries on this blog! It's very fitting that as I sit down to finish this (after putting her down at 5:30, good girl!, I digress..) it is the eve of Thanksgiving. As I am forced to let go of a few tiny things with Vivienne, there are so many more things that I am thankful for in my life.

I'll start off by saying Vivienne is sleeping in her own bed! It happened rather organically, and not at all of my choosing. When we got home from our vacation a few weeks ago I went to set up her co-sleeper and realized that I FORGOT the mattress part at my in-laws house where we had been staying. Vivienne had no choice but to sleep in her own crib that night. Long story short, (I'll save you the entry about how I barely slept that night even though I have a video monitor, and how we felt like she was in a different UNIVERSE rather than just next door - and our house is not big) everything went splendidly. I couldn't hear her breathing though. And the little snorts and grunts she makes that have become regular sounds to me now, were suddenly not there. It was weird and hard and wonderful all in one night. I felt so thankful that she was comfortable enough to sleep so soundly in her own room, and it was almost like she was needing it, but it was sad at the same time not having us all in the same room anymore. I SERIOUSLY don't think Mitch went through ANY of this by the way. His biggest concern was that we would hear her if she started "choking or not breathing". HOW in the heck do you hear someone not breathing...anyway.

So the following week I got news that I will be renewed at work for 2 years. This is a huge accomplishment and a compliment, but somehow it was so heartbreaking. I am excited to return to the world of the working, don't get me wrong. But I'm equally excited to stay at home with my baby and know every second of what she's doing. I know I have a lot of time before I go back, and that I think it's the right decision for me (albeit part-time), but the Stanford daycare tours and waitlist paperwork has me feeling like crying everytime the words "going back to work are mentiond". If all of this wasn't enough for one week, something else happened to make sure I had enough. My milk dried up! I was planning on beastfeeding for 6 months, but my boobs had another idea (yes, I said boobs, it's my blog!). I just ran out, just like that! And so it is, MY BABY DOESN'T NEED ME ANYMORE!!!!

So, my 3 month old now sleeps in her own room, eats from her own bottle, and will be "fending" for herself in 3 months at daycare. That's enough for one week PLEASE!

Of course, being the "thinker" that I am, as I like to call it (Mitch has other names such as OCD, analytical FREAK, chill the bleep out!, etc...) I began thinking about how all of these little events are just one of the ways that Vivienne will be her own person, separate from me. She will continue to become more independent rather than dependent on me, and this little life I grew for 10 long months will suddenly be like, "hey thanks, but I don't need you anymore, and can you STOP being such a FREAK!"

For now, I am so so thankful for her, for ALL the things she still needs me for. And I'm going to relish in that fact for awhile.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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