Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Dear Vivienne,

Tootie Bootie, it has been awhile since I have written to you on here and I am missing it.  To be honest, I am missing you.  I see you 18 hours out of every 24, but somehow that doesn't seem enough lately.  When I imagine you reading this years from now I want you to know that you are my favorite person in the whole world.

As you keep telling me and your daddy (and anyone who will listen) you are a big girl now.  You constantly measure yourself on the wall or up against me, and ask me to show you how much you've grown.  Today at school (school!) the teacher and I looked over at you in your bunny costume and saw that you were backing yourself up against the measuring stick on the wall and you were backing into it trying to see how big you were.  Whenever we play an imaginary game, the first thing you want my character to say is "look how big she is!".  You can do everything by yourself.  Even when I tell you that I know you are big and I know you can do it, but that I just want to help you anyway, you respond with "but mommy, I've grown so big!  I'm three and a half now!  Soon I will be five!  Soon I will be seventy two!"  (You always respond with seventy two :).  You are so delighted to be growing.  The fact that you will only get older and bigger is such an excitement to you that you can hardly contain it.  It's a gift to be around.

It has been a huge month for us.  You started preschool!  I will venture to say that preschool has been a harder transition for me than it has for you.  You go three half days a week, and one of those days I am there in the classroom working (although I haven't really left the classroom many of the days).  The other day when we spoke about how I was going to leave for a little while and come back soon, to get you used to being there alone, you simply looked at me and said "oh, it's ok mommy.  i will be otay (okay)!  don't worry mommy.  i won't even need to call you!"  My heart broke into a million pieces right there and I left and sat in the car and cried a little.  Then I texted your daddy about how proud I was of you.  And I am.  I have been so scared of this day - and you just handled it like the incredible person that you are.  You rocked the shit out of preschool Viv.  I want you to know that.

The hardest thing about becoming your mommy (and something I wasn't expecting at such depths), has been learning to live with the fact that I have become forever changed.  It's like your birth opened up a vast hole in my body and filled it with vulnerability.  I remember talking to your Nona (Kathy) when you were just days old and telling her through tear stained eyes that I just felt so scared.  I was filled with the anxiety of your precious and perfect newness.  I was so scared of the overwhelming responsibility.  What if someone hurt you?  What if something happened to you?  Who was I now?  It's almost funny to look back on those early days.  I can hardly remember the person I was before you came into my life.

We went to the zoo last week and you got terribly upset, somewhere around visiting the penguins.  Somehow your breakdown morphed into some other feeling you've been having about when you grow up.  You told me through your huge tears and sobs that you were so sorry that you were going to grow up and not live with us anymore.  You went on -- "when I'm bigger I won't live with you but I really want to but I can't...!"  I'm not sure where you got this from or why you are so upset by it lately.  You must have heard from someone that big people grow up and become adults, and eventually live on their own.  And that possibility is earth shattering to you at this point in your life.  Well, I'll let you in on a little secret Viv.  We are equally dreading that day.  You can live with us as long as your heart desires baby.

I love you to the stars, and back.  (Sorry, I took the long destination this time).



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