A LOSS

So last week I went to my OB to have an ultrasound for a pregnancy in it's 10th week.  There was no heartbeat.  The gestational sac was only measuring at 6.5 weeks, and looking a bit abnormal.  The fetus was a tiny little thing.  Mitch and Vivienne were both there, excited to see the fluttering of a new heart.  My doctor thought I should go home, and let nature take it's course, after a battery of blood tests.  Of course, she was "very sorry". 

After one day at home, I decided it was much too painful to be carrying around a dead fetus (not to mention the paralyzing morning sickness I was/am still having).  Waiting was not an option.  When speaking to my doctor that day on the phone, she gave me more news that my HCG levels were off the charts (a very high number) and that is why I am so sick.  Also, she believes it to be a Molar pregnancy.  This was not good news.  The best decided course of action is to have a procedure to remove everything, and then have some pathology done to decide if it is indeed a molar (the only way to actually diagnose is to examine the pathology of the fetal tissue).  My OB has prepared me that it is most likely this case, and if so -- no trying to conceive for one year.  I'll be monitored every week for months, to make sure my blood hcg levels are going down.  It's complicated, this whole molar thing.  It's pretty rare apparently, and completely random.  It happens at conception.

So there we are.  No baby.  Tomorrow I will go in to have the operation, and then it will be over.  At least physically.  As for Mitch and I, we are all over the board with emotions.  Devastation, shock, lost, twilight zone, are just some of them.  I cried for one whole day, and then I was ready to move on.  Now I'm feeling very sad, very empty.  Mostly, I'm still in shock.  What does this mean for our family?  What implications does this have for me in the future?  It hasn't really sunk in yet, and we are trying to go forward with lots of thankfulness and amazement at our perfect little girl.  So much can go wrong, and so much did not with her.  I'll be fine, I know I will.  But for now, I wanted to put this out there for fear that if I don't, it will be like it never happened.  Life goes on. 

I'll probably post more about this tomorrow after the surgery, very briefly, just to say that things went fine.  After that, I don't want to say much more on the subject, except that I'll be spending my time healing and finding comfort in Vivienne and her huge smile.

Thanks, family and friends who have given me support and kind words.  It helps more than you know.

xo