Monday, March 8, 2010

A Case of the Mondays

Vivienne is literally growing up before my eyes. I know EVERYONE says that about their kids, and I know it is so damn CLICHE, but my baby is seriously getting older. She is six months old, and tonight after I gave her a bath and while I was rocking her to sleep, the tears were just streaming down my face. I couldn't control it. She was passed out with a bottle in her mouth. Out cold for the night, (or let's face it, until 2am since the last week, thank you very much TEETH) and I was just staring at her trying not to let tears drop on her little face. All I could see was a 5 year old getting prepared for Kindergarten. Where did the time go? Maybe it's because I just started work again and my time with Vivienne just became more limited. Life is a little more stressful than it was before. I miss my Toots so much during the days at work (yes, it's only been 3 days). It's not an unusual thing for me to tear up at work over the slightest mention of Vivienne, and then to be wiping my eyes while saying "It's okay! Don't pay attention to me! I just ABANDONED my baby girl, but it's OKAY! REALLY?! Go on...". They all give each other this look that says "OH LORD, here she goes AGAIN!" and then proceed to tell me in their own words how I did not abandon my baby and everything is okay. It's actually quite humiliating if I were to stop and think about it. But I don't. Stop and think about it that is.

The things I feel now are so immense that I sometimes worry that my body just won't be able to handle any more love. Like I'm all filled up. And I know that it's a wonderful thing and I'm lucky to have the opportunity to experience this kind of love, but to be honest, all I feel right now is sheer overwhelm. I guess I should change my statement to "I feel lucky to be OVERWHELMED!" The work week just started and all I want to do is climb into Vivi's crib and spoon her all night to smell her little peach fuzz head and hold on to her until morning. Anyway, internet, this is DEFINITELY a case of the Mondays...

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