Friday, February 26, 2010

Returning to "the force"

The last six months have been the most exhilarating, tiring, amazing, terrifying, life-changing moments of my entire life. Not a day has gone by where one of those feelings have not been present, among many others I'm not gonna waste time listing here. I could probably go on and on forever as they are ALWAYS changing.

And so it is, I am going back to work on March 2nd, next Tuesday, and that is the end of my life as I know it. I AM NOT GOING TO SURVIVE. I have spent the last week doing the following: crying, crying some more, sobbing, looking at Vivienne with sadness and trepidation, feeling anxious, dealing with feelings of abandonment, talking and talking until my face is a deep dark blue and Mitch has this glazed over look, justifying myself to everyone I encounter, saying I love you to Vivienne every time I see her, preparing the house, preparing Vivienne (as well as I can), crying some more, drinking wine and more wine.

Why in the hell, you ask, am I going back to work then? I ask myself this question a lot. Besides the obvious financial reasons, I'm not really sure why I'm going back. I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that can't wait to jump on the train with a cup of coffee and the New Yorker, and sit down at my desk and get organized for the day. Maybe I'll even go all out and have some adult conversations? THAT WOULD REALLY BE THE KICKER! I just have to be VERY careful not to go near my iphone because as soon as I do this is what comes up and I AM TOAST. The faucets get turned on for an undetermined amount of time...

Nothing I write here, or tell myself in my head, will make everything okay for me. The fact is, I am choosing to return to work (albeit part time), and leave Vivienne in the very capable hands of her Uma and her Auntie. I am popping the big, fat, juicy, boiling over with love and coziness BUBBLE that we have had, Toots and I, this last six months. It has been wonderful. It has been challenging and tiring. I am under NO preconceptions that life will be ANY easier starting next week. While I will still have a few week days with my Pookie all to myself, I will have even less time for myself. My house, my daughter, my husband, our cats, will all need me and the demands of our household will only get greater. All of this I AM CHOOSING to inflict upon us.

Here's the thing. I love my job. It provides for me something that no one or nothing else can. And even though I am heartbroken (I truly truly am), I think it is the best decision for my family right now. I have a lovely, stimulating job, with great supportive people. Someday in the not so distant future, Vivienne will grow up a little and her circumference of experience will get wider. She will make friends, go to preschool, have ideas and thoughts beyond Daddy and I. If you will let me be even MORE melodramatic than this post already is: SHE WILL LEAVE ME BEHIND!! And that is a good thing. I want her to do all of those things and more. Which is why I am choosing to keep those things in my life as well, even if they are modified to keep Viv as my priority. I know something will be a little lost when I return to work, and trust me, I am mourning that. But letting go, and I think even loss, are all part of this journey/rollercoaster called Motherhood. Most of all, I just feel thankful for the people in Vivienne's life that are willing to be with her when I am not. She will benefit greatly from their love and attention. My girl LOVES the attention, social one that she is! I will sign off now, before this post becomes a novel.

Workforce, ready or not, here I come.

1 comment:

  1. Just think of it this way, all that sass and inappropriate comments you want to make but feel like you shouldn't in front of Viv, you can make at the office! We've missed you a ton here!