Saturday, May 28, 2011

The days are numbered...

Summer is around the corner and lately the days feel short and the nights feel long.  There's been talk in our house (just talk) of adding to Team Dub, and with all the chatter and planning and thinking, I can't help but look at my little Tootie a little differently.  I still don't feel ready for her to be one of two.  I don't know if I ever will.  I look at her now, this big beautiful girl, this child who made me a mother, and I see the days blow by me like a storm and I can barely wrap my mind around how much she is becoming her own person.  She is her own person. 

When Vivienne was born it was almost like she was still an extension of one of my organs.  Giving birth to her was the most incredible experience (and I will share my birth story soon).  I feel the need for it to be written down, documented.  How she came into the world so calmly, after so many hours of labor.  The nurses all kept telling me how much they loved this baby because even though I began to get a fever and show signs of strain, and the hours wore on and on with no change, her heart beat remained exactly the same the entire time.  Not one dip on the machine.  It was so calming to watch that beep, beep, beep.  She never gave any reason for worry, a rarity the nurses all told me.  When she arrived on my tummy all fresh and warm, she just looked up at me kind of gurgling/checking things out.  Barely crying. 

A few hours before she was born I was tired and emotionally spent and crying (we had a long 24 hour natural labor, and then an epidural and pitocin in the last 4 hours).  My mother-in-law came in to see me and I told her I never want to do this again, ok?  I don't remember saying this, but Mitch heard me as well, and they both told me that I don't ever have to do it again if I don't want to, that I just need to get through this one night, this one baby, this one birth.  That I can do it.  That I can do anything.  And I did it.  I pushed her out in less than an hour, and she was perfect and barely slimy, and had giant wide open eyes, and the endorphins were so intense I wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs I DID IT!

And here we are thinking of doing it again, whatever that experience will be or mean.  And even though it's still just a thought, the days feel numbered for Vivi and I and our solo adventures. 

My goodness, how time flies.

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