I've been sitting here for an hour now trying to find a positive spin on my day, and just now realized that I don't have one, and it's my blog, and why the hell not just say what I feel like saying. So here goes. If you don't want to listen to someone complain, or bitch about first world issues, now is the time to leave this site. You've been warned.
So, I woke up and...kidding! I won't be THAT detailed! I have some decency.
I am about to say something I think I may regret and get hate mail for. But there just may be someone that also feels the same way, and that makes it worth it. Today I did not like being a mother. Didn't want to be one actually. I had multiple fantasies of clicking my heels and being back to my pre-child self, the one who didn't have the responsibility of another human being. I'm not just saying this as a way to express how hard it can be when you are a stay at home mom, or to depict the stresses of motherhood in a funny way. I. Truly. Did. Not. Want. To. Be. A. Mom. Anymore. It's been bothering me to say the least. I feel like I should be searching for signs of my period, or thinking about the reasons why I've been a little sad lately and obviously that has to be why I'm not myself today. But when I boiled it down, it just came to a simple conclusion that I just wanted out. For a day. Maybe two. Okay a week.
Mommy-hood can suck ass. If I am just a little bit off my game, every little whine that my child makes can feel like razor blades scratching the skin off my back. I then begin to second guess every single decision I have ever made in my short time as a parent, and analyze and judge every move I made today, AND it goes like this:
1. I am letting my toddler suck on her pacifier WAY too much and she will never put two words together let alone speak in a full sentence. And it is my fault.
2. It is not the job of Yo Gabba Gabba to raise my child, even though I made a strong case for that very scenario today.
3. I said I would try to never lose my patience with Vivienne, and I raised my voice in frustration more than once today.
4. When I was reading her bedtime books, I SO wanted to just skip through everything and throw her booty in the crib (and I told her she could have 3 and only read 2).
5. I actually mumbled under my breath (no, she did not hear me) "for gods sake Vivienne, stop the incessant whining and use YOUR WORDS".
The list goes on in my head, and it's not very forgiving. As I sit here and type this I don't feel like a bad person, I just feel lost. Lost as a person, and lost as a parent. Some days when I wake up it's like everything I knew about the day before and all the great stuff I've experienced as a parent are just gone and I can't remember how we even got to this grown up place. And, yes, I take Prozac. I'm admitting this because I don't think it's crazy to say these things. I don't think you have to be a bad mommy to have days where you just aren't in it and plain don't feel like being a parent. It's not easy to be the most patient person in the universe or to wipe your kids butt all day long and try to tell yourself that it has major meaning and is one of the most important things you could ever do. It's not easy at all. And that's all I have to say.
Except for this. As I'm sitting here typing these words another list is forming in my head. It goes like this:
1. Today during her Gabba show, when she brought her blanket over to my lap and I automatically started rubbing her back and forehead -- I had the distinct feeling that I would never know what to do with myself if she ever grew up and left me and I didn't have that wafting smell of Burt's Bees shampoo around whenever I wanted it.
2. That time I lost my patience with her in the kitchen for whining (omg, the kid can whine) I raised my voice with her, and her little eyes filled with tears and looked at me with such a foreign expression, and she immediately ran over to me to be comforted. It was a small thing, but it was huge. I am her safety, and that is my privilege.
3. All I have to do is smile at her and she will raise her hand and wave at me, and say "Momma" in a sing song voice.
4. When I went to put her to bed I slung her over my shoulder and stood up, and she squeezed me really tight and made the squeezing noise that Mitch has taught her. In that moment I couldn't breathe I had so much love for her.
5. RIGHT before I laid her in her crib she grabbed me, took out her pacifier, and leaned in and kissed me on the mouth. Put her paci back in, and dove for her crib, full of "cozies" and animals, rolled around and put herself to sleep. Ready for a new day, a fresh day, tomorrow, full of promise.
What the hell is this roller coaster of emotions!? The lows and the highs are almost too exhausting some days. I just read somewhere (and I can't remember where or I would give credit) that being a parent is described like this: awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, MIND BLOWING, awful, awful, awful, awful, BREATHTAKING....and seriously? I didn't understand it until tonight.
Sometimes it just sucks. And then it's just so damn beautiful that you don't know what the hell to do with yourself.